Host or Travel
The phrase 'Host or travel?' should not be new to anybody that has ever hooked up previously for sex. With fisting, the dynamics are slightly different due to both clean out and clean up.
Host or Travel?
- phrase in hookup culture, a question asked to determine where the copulatory act will occur
In addition to factors common to any hookup (such as relationships, distance, timing, etc), a few additional items affect who should host and who should travel. For example,
- The Bottom may want to host so that he has access to his douching facilities.
- One party has a playroom or sling to accommodate the uniqueness of fisting. Conversely, a hotel room may not be conducive to a fun session.
- A typical host may pass if previous experiences indicate the play partner to be inconsiderate or messy (lube gets everywhere if you aren't careful).
Regardless of either role as host or guest, basic practices and standards apply to keep everyone safe and content.
Vetting Play Partners
There are two reasons to vet your playmate prior to a session:
- It can be difficult to accurately distinguish between individuals with malicious intent from awkward individuals who just want to connect. Three gay serial killers, John Wayne Gacy, Gary Ray Bowles, and Jeffery Dahmer appeared normal and even likeable to their victims.
- It can also be difficult to evaluate if a potential playmate is equipped to handle an accident. He doesn't have to be a psychopath to freak out and abandon you in time of need (see the case study below).
Memberships in social media fisting groups can help you learn more about playmates and their engagement in the community.
Assumptions made from certifications or social media postings are only assumptions. Profiles, posting, and certifications may not tell you much, but they can trigger red flags. It is safest to engage in some type of additional conversation to establish the veracity your playmate before travelling to his place or hosting him inside your home.
Several online apps or services such as bsafe or kitestring can help monitor your safety and share your location with others if needed. Alternatively, a low-cost solution to these apps is to inform your guest or host that at least one friend is keeping tabs on you. This can be directly or indirectly.
For example, you can arrange to have a friend call within the first few minutes of the session. A very brief conversation with that friend will indirectly let your partner that people know where you are. Or you can be direct and tell your playmate that you have to check in with a friend prior to the session to let them know that you are 'getting some FFun!'
If those options make you uncomfortable or seem awkward, send at least one text from your host location to provide an electronic trail in the event something does go wrong.
Case Study: The Fatal Consequences of Not Vetting Playmates
Give Me a Tall Latte and an Ambulance
To say Emerson was a little crazy was an understatement. Rational people rarely repeated a fisting session with him due to his almost universal breaches in every category of trust. Unfortunately, James was unaware of his reputation.
The fisting date started out normal enough (less a few eccentricities), but eventually turned sour. People would later whisper that the demise was due to drug use coupled with and an overabundance of poppers, but the truth remained hidden from the general public.
Emerson and James' session was well underway when Emerson accidentally perforated the intestine. Complications led to a drop in blood pressure and ensuing cardiac arrhythmia. Normal people would call 911, but not Emerson. He showered, packed his gear, vacated the premise, went to Starbucks, ordered a latte, and called 911 from a distance (as being caught at a fisting death would be too much for his wife to handle).
In the meantime, James passed away. He had told his friends previously (in jest) that he wanted to die while fisting—sadly his wish came true!
Amenities and Accoutrements
When both parties of a fisting session are local, the host should provide most accoutrements and amenities; however, responsibilities may vary based the following items: fisting roles (top or bottom), the distance/time the guest travelled, experience levels of the participants, and finally agreements between regular playmates.
General fisting etiquette dictates:
- Bottoms provide their own lube, and the tops that only play with gloves provide their own, well-fit gloves. Lube and gloves are examples of role-based responsibilities.
- Hosts provide a clean play space, touch-up and post-play clean-up facilities, and basic fisting materials. These three things are examples of location-based responsibilities.
- Regular playmates cost-share the responsablity for supplies.
The following matrix indicates standards that are followed by most fisters.
Provision Responsibility Matrix
w/ Any Guest
w/ Local Traveler
w/ Visting Traveler
w/ Visiting Host
w/ Local Host
|Salt and/or Dish Soap|
|Nail Prep Kit|
|Paper Towels or Rags|
|Pads or Play Sheets|
|Clean Linens and Towels|
There are multiple conditional designations and a few general exceptions to the responsibilities. Three specific variances include: newbies (novice or virgin fisters), visiting hosts, and actual travel details.
- Most newbies don't know the provisional responsibilities and are very unaware of the properties of good fisting lube. Many will provide traditional anal/vaginal sex lubes, and if they do provide lipid or polymer-based lubes, they won't have the pads and paper towels that limit messes.
- Visiting hosts (usually on business trips) may not have access to supplies and are unlikely to modify their hotel showers for douche hoses. They may also have been unable to travel with poppers.
- Travelers that traverse long distances or stop by after a day's work experience similar issues to visiting hosts. They may not have the ability to tote supplies around all day prior to the session.
Regardless of the three circumstances above, it is best to bring a fully stocked supply bag.
The following lists provide examples of items to pack for various situations.
Local Session (Pre-Planned)
Local Session (Unplanned)
Local Fisting Event (Group)
Packing and Gear Tips
These tips can help your travel bags stay clean and organized.
Use wax paper to provide an extra seal on your lube containers.
Alternatively, you can use plastic wrap, but plastic is bad for the environment, and it can harbor harmful microbial life (such as Hepatitis C) longer than paper.
Pack extra ziplock bags (gallon and quart size) for emergency use.
Empty bags can be used to separate wet or sticky gear from the remainder of the items in your travel bag.
Travel Size Salt
Use single size serving cups to pack some salt to remove polymer-based lubes.
Ensure the seal with a rubber band and double bag in ziplock baggies to prevent accidental spills.
These cups can be reused and recycled.
Socks & Underwear
Include a fresh pair of socks and underwear for after the session.
Socks, jocks, and underwear worn during a session can get wet and sticky with lube. Stay dry for the trip home.
Travel Size Listerine®
Not only can it freshen your breath, it can help dissolve polymer-based lubes and remove unpleasant odors in the event you hit paydirt.
Although unlikely to leak, store in a ziplog bag for extra protection.
In a pinch, you can use a plastic water bottle; however, this method doesn't guarantee a clean hole.
Purchase a portable shower shot and spare douche nozzle for your bag.
Larger douche bulbs such as the Colt® Bum Buddy can help for touch-ups if this isn't an option.
Although you may never use them, gloves, finger-cots, and condoms lay flat and take up little space.
Unless you have extra-large hands, pack medium/large gloves. Use finger-cots as an alternative to gloves if you have cuts on your fingers.
Rotate old items out at least twice a year.
Include tools to help remove lube: salt, Dawn®, hair conditioner; shower loofas, and silicone scrubbing pads.
Make sure to double-bag salts and liquids and single bag wet tools.
Prevent mold growth by airing out your bag after returning home.
Twenty-five sheets of paper towels is sufficient for flipping twice with your partner.
Remove from the bulky roll, tightly roll, and wrap with wax paper and rubber bands.
A course in aftercare can help you decrease your effect on the environment.
It's easy to forget your harness, jockstrap, ballcap or other accoutrements from your travel bag.
You might get chided for being anal, but it might be worth it to keep control over your gear.
Local and Remote Events
Throughout the world, there are many venues and several events that play host to fisting parties. There are also events dedicated strictly to fisting. Knowing the code of conduct and managing your expectations will make these events most pleasurable to you.
Code of Conduct
Although group fisting etiquette applies to any event, there are other things to consider:
Drug Usage & Sobriety
You may encounter individuals that are under the influence of psychotropic substances at an event—especially if the event literature does not ban use.
There are three types of events you may encounter:
- Sober Events — These events prohibit all psychotropic substances in both public and private spaces. You may be asked to leave if you violate the event's rules or appear to be under the influence.
- Mixed Events — These events allow some psychotropic substances, typically limited to pot, poppers, and alcohol. If private use affects your behavior in public areas, you may be asked to leave.
- Open Events — These events have no restrictions but typically expect consumption to occur discretely. If consumption affects the health of yourself or others detrimentally, you may be asked to leave.
Know your event rules prior to attendance. Major events typically host meetings for those in recovery.
- noun Any chemical substance that acts primarily upon the central nervous system where it alters brain function, resulting in temporary changes in perception, mood, consciousness and behavior.
- noun — colloquial Any party drug except alcohol, poppers, and marijuana.
Not all cultures act the same. These differences can span continents, countries, regions, and even local fisting enclaves. Observe and respect these differences. When in doubt, follow the lead of your sponsor or host.
For example, several cultures have societal rules on personal space. Violating the spatial boundaries may result in unnecessary tension.
Most events have a specific policy regarding photography. When filming is allowed, ask for permission from everyone being recorded. If you plan to post your scenes online, acquire release forms from participants.
Cleanliness, Courtesy, & Consent
For larger events, clarify in advance the venue's touch-up facilities. Full clean-outs are not appropriate in public facilities at the actual venue. For smaller, more intimate events, verify with the host what facilities are available prior to arriving.
Decrease the spread of viral, protozoan, fungal, and bacterial infections. Between every play partner, wash hands, arms, elbows, shoulders, and toys.
Disinfect your play area prior to and after your session. This includes wiping down sex furniture with provided cleansers. It also includes utilizing pads and newspaper to minimize the impact of lube outside the bottom's hole. Dispose of all waste products generated during your session.
Respecting others gains respect in return:
- Maintain your commitments. If you set up a play date, don't cancel for a better opportunity. It's often best not to commit to anything at all.
- Do not monopolize slings, benches or play spaces. Perceptions are key. If you are in a sling for more than 65% of the party, especially when others are waiting to use it, you might be branded a sling slug, sling lizard, or sling rat. This can decrease your invites to future events.
- If staying at a hotel, tip the staff well for dealing with your in-room shenanigans and bio-hazardous waste.
Always seek consent before and throughout a session. For example, if you are going to push past the second ring, make sure the bottom is aware that is what you are doing. An event is no place for injury.
At a fisting event, everybody is there for the same thing: to fist. The normal banter, double-entendre, and investigation into a potential partner's proclivities is usually unnecessary.
It is typical that most attendees are likely to socialize with anybody at the event; however, this does not necessarily mean they want to fist with you. Be direct and ask for a play session. If declined, avoid making a scene. If declining, don't be a douche.
Forming cliques is so Mean Girls, but it happens. Blow them off. Make an effort not to replicate similar behavior.
And last, but not least, some behaviors are always wrong: harassment, stalking, shunning, and rape.
Expectations for Fisting Events