Art & Science

Trust and Relationships

Key Fisting Relationships and Building Trust

Publication Details

Author: Finn Vortex

Published: 01/07/2016

Updated: 07/15/2017

Duration: 10 Minutes

Quick Links / Topics in this Article

Trust and Control | Playmates, Mentors, and Coaches | Connections: Registry... | Storytime: Death by Fisting

Executive Summary

Overview of relationships critical for developing fisting and depth fisting practices, including a definition of roles, development of trust, power exchanges, and personality. Also includes registry of clubs, bars, events, and more.

Trust and Control

Building Trust

Trust is the most important ingredient for successful fisting. Without it, the Bottom cannot enjoy the playtime fully due to the inherent dangers of fisting. Likewise, the Top may not achieve full arousal upon brachial penetration if he knows the Bottom is on edge (unless, of course, he's a sadist).

There are several factors that will enhance or diminish trust. Keep in mind the opposite of each enhancer or detractor affects levels of trust in the inverse direction.

Familiarity Honesty Emotional Quotient (EQ) Expertise Compatibility Drug Abuse Arrogance & Narcissism Abrasiveness Appearance & Hygiene

Power Dynamics

Perhaps the counter-intuitive and ironic part about fisting is that although it seems the Top would be the assertive partner, he is not. The Bottom controls the scene. Tops that do not understand this dynamic destroy the trust needed for Bottoms to accept their fists.

Tops usually find fisting erotic because Bottoms are literally placing their lives in their hands. This surrender of basic defenses and protections stimulates intense chemical reactions in the Top's brain. Bottoms derive pleasure from not only the penetrative act, but the connection attained by the surrender the fist chute to another.

Incidentally, fisting in the gay world is rarely a BDSM activity. When approached as such, the most powerful stimulation and connections are often lost.

Playmates, Mentors, and Coaches

There are three types of fisting relationships: coaches, mentors, and playmates. Regardless of the type of relationship, these three factors are important for successful fisting:

  • Compatible Anatomies — Anatomical considerations related to the Top include fist size, arm length, arm circumference, left/right handedness, flexibility, and body positioning limitations. Restrictive factors for the Bottom include hole plasticity, pelvic bone aperture, intestinal organization, and body positioning limitations. The Top and Bottom need to mesh in all areas for continued progression.
  • For example, my coach has a very long arm with a medium size left fist. We are both flexible in body positioning so he can quite easily pass through my hole, aperture, and then manipulate the difficult turns and limitations of the upper fist chute.
  • Trust — Because there is inherent danger involved in fisting, trust is extremely important. Even if you consider a coach or mentor's 'responsibility' is to push limits, that pushing should only be outside the chute in the form of sexual banter and emotional support. At extreme depths, the Bottom needs to know the Top will stop forward progression or movement immediately when requested.
  • Knowledge — The best partners know general anatomy, your specific road map, and the fisting body language and subtle cues of the Bottom.


My first ff-Bud had small, collapsable wrists and a wealth of knowledge about all things fist. He introduced me to giving and receiving, and in time to both a single and double fist. Our relationship progressed from coach, to mentor, to playmates.

As playmates, we just fisted or fucked each other. There was no fist chute training, nor education efforts that happened in our sessions.


Mentors can give and take a good fisting. As such, they are able to teach, learn, and share fisting insights with each other in ways that playmates and coaches cannot. Mentors are very helpful in elbow-depth and extreme depth fisting because Bottoms can learn more about their anatomy by topping the mentor.


Coaches are usually Tops that press and extend the Bottom's limits through play sessions and education.

Coaching the Coach

As a child, you probably learned about sex from your siblings or friends. It wasn't a comprehensive lesson, but a tidbit here and there. Fisting is the same way. You may pick up a bit here and a bit there, but a good Bottom can train a virgin fister into a coach within two or three sessions.

Mentors versus Coaches

The primary difference between coaching and mentoring is experience as both the Top and Bottom. While most coaches may have been fisted previously, they generally don't bottom on a regular basis. Mentors, on the other hand, are versatile in their fisting abilities and have a unique perspective based on those abilities.

Connections: Registry of Bars, Baths, Organizations, Events, and APPS

You can find coaches, mentors, and play partners through friends, clubs/organizations, specialized events, bar nights, and online.

Events, Bars, and Organizations

Additional content for this section is in development. Want to contribute?

Prior to the personal computing revolution and the ubiquity of smart phones, gay bars were the primary source for hooking up and locating ff-Buds. By flagging red, you could establish a 'walking fist fuck profile'. You could also join clubs or organizations dedicated to the wilder side of homosexual copulatory activities in order to find ffriends. Although bars and baths are on the decrease, new and existing clubs and organizations still play a vital role in the fisting community.


Cites: (A) — Austin   |   (D) — Dallas   |   (H) — Houston   |   (S) — San Antonio


  • (D) CumUnion
  • (D) Espirit De Corps
  • More to come


  • (D) Discipline Corps
  • More to come


Online Searches

There's an APP for that (and sometimes a website)

Most hookups originate online in this day and age. When hooking up with an online trick for the first time, take standard safety precautions (especially for those of you in the closet): let somebody know who you are going to meet, meet in public, vet the guy via chat or txt, get his actual phone number.


Notes: Guys here are generally honest, straight-forward, and to the point here. Profiles have optional sections for HIV status and PNP which helps spur conversations regarding boundaries established in screening processes.


Notes: Probably the mother of all fetish APPs out there—with specific criteria for searches and designations of kinks allowed in profiles. I've found it is best in the EU and outside the American South (where guys are still uncomfortable about coming out with their specific fetish).


Notes: Results from this smart phone APP can vary by city. Some cities prefer to use Grindr, Jacked, or other apps over Scruff. Generally, the guys on here are more open to the idea of fisting than on other apps.


Notes: Not specifically dedicated to fisting, but the guys here seem pervier than Manhunt, Scruff, or Grindr. Guys online between 12:30 AM and 6:00 AM tend to be using one of the alphabet drugs.


Notes: Regional usage varies. Since the owners support Republican causes, I rarely use except when above the Mason-Dixon line. If you have expanded search, you can find guys into fisting.

Your Profile

Represent yourself appropriately. Don't be an Apphole.

If Guys Acted In Real Life Like They Do On Apps[2]

Storytime: Death by Fisting

Give me a Tall Latte and an Ambulance

To say Emerson was a little crazy was an understatement. Rational people rarely repeated a fisting session with him due to his almost universal breaches in every category of trust. Unfortunately, James was unaware of his reputation.

The fisting date started out normal enough (less a few eccentricities), but eventually turned sour. People would later whisper that the demise was due to drug use coupled with and an over abundance of poppers, but the truth remained hidden from the general public.

Emerson and James' session was well underway when Emerson accidentally perforated the intestine. Complications led to a drop in blood pressure and ensuing cardiac arrhythmia. Normal people would call 911, but not Emerson. He showered, packed his gear, vacated the premise, went to Starbucks, ordered a latte, and called 911 from a distance (as being caught at a fisting death would be too much for his wife to handle).

In the meantime, James passed away. He had told his friends previously (in jest) that he wanted to die while fisting—sadly his wish came true!